You can do the job of a referee, and you can add to it if you wish the job of a copyeditor/editor. I think the criticisms you made all address the readability of the paper; if the author cares, he/she will incorporate your remarks. The ones that matter to the publisher are the referee remarks, and you should ask your advisor/community how to present those. As mentioned by others, the paper should be correct and interesting (and readable). Be clear about what is needed to achieve those goals. After that , add what reasonable efforts you believe the author should do to make the paper more readable.
Gerhard "Ask Me About System Design" Paseman, 2011.11.30